


The Evil Dads

by Canttouchthis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:48:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28115673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canttouchthis/pseuds/Canttouchthis
Summary: A curse has turned Scorpius and Albus’ fathers evil!It’s too bad no one believes them.Hilarity and nonsense ensue when Scoprius and Albus work to thwart their dads’ evil plots.
Relationships: Astoria Greengrass/Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley
Kudos: 12





	The Evil Dads

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Art3misiA](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Art3misiA/gifts).



> What happens when *someone* types Evil Dad instead of Evil Dead? Why, this fic happens of course!
> 
> This fic is the product of an amazing conversation with the best Alpha reader ever, [Art3misiA](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Art3misiA/pseuds/Art3misiA). Thank you for everything and always encouraging my love of crackfic.

It shouldn’t have worked.

That’s what Albus and Scorpius kept telling themselves, as they watched in horror as their fathers huddled together on the back patio, their eyes shining with a red sheen. A red sheen of pure, unadulterated evil.

“They’re not evil.” Albus’ mum rolled her eyes, smacking them on the head.

“I swear, mum, we didn’t mean to.” Albus was panicking, watching his father pour a syrupy black substance into the children’s punch. “We just found this book and an orb and said a few words - we didn’t think it would work! Look - Dad and Draco Malfoy are getting  _ along _ ! That can’t be natural! The only rational explanation is that they’re  _ evil. _ ”

Ginny laughed, shaking her head and walking away. “Oh, kids these days.”

“Why doesn’t anyone believe us?” Albus bemoaned.

“Probably because we’re 16,” Scorpius pointed out, “and we have a habit of making up ridiculous stories.”

“That’s neither here nor there. They’re  _ clearly  _ evil,” Albus responded, thinking  _ quite _ critically on the matter at hand.

“Who do you think would believe us?” Scorpius asked, his eyes remaining on their fathers who were now  _ cackling _ , a maniacal and evil cackle.

“Oh! My Aunt Hermione! She’s a  _ very _ solid person.” Albus nodded sagely.

* * *

The next day, Albus and Scorpius made their way to Hermione’s super secret lab in her basement.

“Oh, hullo boys! I uh - would recommend you stay back a moment!” she shouted from where she was floating a series of beakers with a rather ominous multi-colored smoke oozing out.

“Er, alright.” Albus watched carefully as a strange lightning filled the room and the beakers resettled, along with a - teddy bear?

She took her goggles off, shaking out her frizzy hair. “Alright, what can I do for you? Do you need candy? Wait - no, you lot are teenagers now. Hmm - is it porn? No - Harry told me not to offer you kids porn…” she trailed off, frowning at the predicament.

“Er, no,” Albus started, “we accidentally set off some sort of curse and its turned our dads evil.”

“Oh, boys.” She waved them off. “I just saw them this morning! There’s no way their evil. I’m sure it was a joke curse or something.”

“You saw them here - together - and you didn’t think that was - weird?” Scorpius asked, his mouth gaping. He turned to Albus, the pair wearing twin looks of worry.

“They’re just getting along! Isn’t that nice? That after years of fighting they can be friends?” Hermione sniffled, clearly moved by such an idea.

“Yeah - but like, didn’t you see the red glint of evil in their eye?” Albus asked.

She frowned, looking quite disappointed. “I try not to judge people for how they look. You should do the same.”

“Yeah, we’ll uh - get right on that - so why did they come here?” Scorpius questioned.

“Oh! They just had some questions about nuclear fission is all.” She shrugged, levitating a few potions to her table.

“Er - what’s nuclear fission?” Albus asked.

“You kids - they don’t teach you anything up in that castle - do they?” Hermione shook her head in disbelief. “It’s the ability to create a nuclear reaction. Very important to energy creation - and explosions of course.”

Albus turned to Scorpius, eyes wide in alarm, before turning back to Hermione. “And you weren’t - concerned about that?”

Hermione wasn’t even looking at them, instead focused on adding a sort of pink sludge-like concoction to the teddy bear. “No. Some people are just intellectually curious about these things.”

“You think - my dad -  _ Harry Potter _ \- is intellectually curious?” Albus asked, dumbfounded.

Hermione huffed. “Some people become intellectuals later in life. If I’m being honest, it was nice to have such a thoughtful discussion. Your fathers are quite intelligent when they put their heads together.”

Albus shook his head in disbelief. “Er, alright. Thanks Aunt Hermione.”

The pair left, standing  _ very seriously _ on the London street. “Alright, where next?”

“I think at this point we need to go to the press.”

* * *

“Of course I believe you,” Rita Skeeter told them, a sympathetic look on her face.

“You do?” Albus asked, feeling instantly relieved.

“Yes - I recorded them having the most - odd conversation.” She waved her wand and a recording started:

> _ Harry Potter: "Gee Draco, what are we gonna do tonight?"  _
> 
> _ Draco Malfoy: "The same thing we do every night, try to take over the world!" _

Albus looked to Scorpius in horror, though it was Scorpius who responded. “Your dad called mine by his first name!”

Albus shivered. “It’s worse than we thought.”

Rita squeezed both their hands, a kind smile on her face. “Don’t worry - this is big news. I’ll break the story in the morning’s Daily Prophet.”

* * *

This time, both Albus and Scorpius felt  _ quite _ confident as they approached Ginny Potter, with the  _ Daily Prophet _ in hand.

“See mum?” Albus threw the paper down in front of her.

Ginny gave her son in an indulgent smile, putting down her Game Boy and grabbing the paper. She let out a boisterous laugh at the sight of the article.

Albus’ face fell, watching his mother literally break down in hysterics. Not figuratively, but  _ literally _ .

“Mum?” he asked. 

“Oh, I’m sorry dear. It’s just - it’s Rita Skeeter! This is hilarious. I can’t believe she’d write this rubbish.” She broke down, dramatically slapping her thigh. 

It went on for about 2 hours.

“Oh - you two are still here? Do you need anything else?” She smiled at them.

“You can’t be serious! Our dads are  _ evil _ ! Rita caught it on tape!” Albus waved the paper in her face once more.

“Oh, children. You're so young and innocent,” she told them condescendingly. “Rita Skeeter is a hack. If she wrote it, then I am  _ certain _ it’s not true.”

Albus shook his head. “C’mon Scorp. Let’s go see your mum, maybe she’ll believe us.”

* * *

“Mum?” Scorpius called out as they entered the comically large manor. 

“Oh, hello!” Astoria wiped her hands on her apron, smiling at them. “I have cookies if you boys are interested.”

Albus perked up. “Mrs. Malfoy - we’d love th-”

Scorpus cut in. “We were wondering if you noticed anything off about dad.”

Astoria frowned, cocking her head to the side. “He’s seemed pretty happy lately. But otherwise...” She exhaled out her nose, appearing really quite thoughtful. “Nope - can’t think of anything.”

“Well uh, we accidentally cursed our dads evil.” Scorpius admitted sheepishly.

“Now, Scorpius,” she tutted him, “you shouldn’t say things like that about your father. He’s reformed! Imagine if he heard you talking like that...he’d be so upset…” Her eyes started watering at just the thought.

“I’m not.” Scorpius pressed his thumb and forefinger to his temples. “It’s not like that - it’s an actual  _ curse _ . There was an  _ orb _ . And an  _ incantation _ . The whole thing!”

Astoria snapped her fingers and a tray of cookies appeared in her hand. “Here, why don’t you all have one of these delicious chocolate chip cookies and be on your way. And no more of this evil dad nonsense. Your father has worked quite hard to turn his life around.”

Albus happily grabbed a handful of cookies while Scorpius simply bowed his head in disappointment.

“Well,” Albus asked after shoving an entire cookie into his mouth, “what now?”

“I don’t know,” Scorpius mumbled in defeat.

* * *

_ One Week Later _

“I can’t believe they took over the world in a  _ week _ .” Albus watched his father and Draco Malfoy receive their crowns, being declared  _ Rulers of All Worlds _ by the Secretary General of the UN. Around them, the delegates were giving their dads a standing ovation. There was a general consensus that this was a really great thing for Planet Earth.

“I’m so proud of them.” Albus’ mum was in tears, hanging onto Astoria who was beaming at Draco in pride.

“You guys don’t think it’s - worrisome - that they now control the entire world? Like - all the nuclear arsenals - everything?” Scorpius asked.

“Oh, shush.” Ginny waved them off. “This is a great accomplishment - think of all they’ll do for the world!”

Albus and Scorpius shook their heads and wandered off.

“What do we do?” Albus asked, waving his hands in the air dramatically.

“What  _ can _ we do?” Scorpius was defeated, shoulders hunched. “No one will ever believe us - they all think our dads ruling the world is great.”

“Shh! Boys!” Astoria shushed them. “Your dads are going to speak!”

“We just wanted to thank you all for declaring us the rulers of the world! We want to be clear, now that we have dominated the world, we have  _ absolutely _ no plans to impose our will on everyone. And we  _ totally _ don’t want you all to bow down to us!” Harry announced, a totally innocent smile on his face.

Albus gaped. Scorpius shrunk in fear. Ginny beamed. Astoria wept.

The dads came down from the dais and approached their families.

“Hey, Scorp, what do you think? I did good, right?” Draco asked his son, a clearly evil and maniacal grin on his face.

“Er, uh, sure?” Scorpius responded nervously, his voice cracking in fear.

“So dad,” Albus asked Harry, “now that you have taken over the world, what next?”

Harry looked at Draco wide eyed. “Oh shit,” he said, quite eloquently.

“We - didn’t think of that.” Draco bit his lower lip,  _ deep _ in thought.

Suddenly, as though it wasn’t there at all - the red sheen in their eyes disappeared.

“You know,” Harry spoke up, his index finger raised, “perhaps we shouldn’t rule the world?”

Ginny pulled him in for a hug, tears bursting from her eyes. “Harry - you’re so wise.” 

“What just happened?” Albus eyed the two dads, who now appeared to be back to their normal, not-evil selves.

* * *

“So - what do you think?” Scorpius looked expectantly at Rose.

“You want to write a play about my mum being some sort of mad scientist? And she offers you two porn?” she asked incredulously.

“Well, that’s not really the point-”

Rose cut him off. “I mean, besides - what was with the curse that turned your dads evil? Why did it stop?”

“It’s supposed to be a lesson on being careful what you wish for,” Albus said sagely, “because in their evil plot to take over the world - they forgot to think about what they would do once they, well,  _ did _ take over the world.”

“That might quite literally be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” Rose told them.

“Like - just so we’re clear - literally or figuratively?” Scorpius leaned in.

“You two are the worst.” She huffed and stormed out of the non-descript room they were having a random conversation in.

“I think she liked it,” Albus suggested.

“So, Al, what do you want to do tonight?” Scorpius asked.

“The same thing as we always do Scorp! Take over the world!”

_ Fin _


End file.
